Powered by Blogger.

11.7.10

WRITTEN REVIEW: Suicide Girls Must Die

By CORY CARR
When I first heard that there was a Suicide Girls horror movie, a huge smile found it's way onto my face. During my teen years I couldn't get enough SG. If a tattooed and hair dyed vixen [at the mall, Walmart or wherever] looked at me the right way I was ready to drop my drawers and start masturbating feverishly. Now it's safe to say that I've grown up a quite a bit since then and as an adult I am far less excitable.

So I got to thinking, there are a few hundred of these trendy, sexy, and media savvy 20 somethings. With all of the film and music connections that they have made the resources must be limitless. I began to think, "perhaps this movie won't be that bad, perhaps it will even be good". I began scouring the internet for a review and much to my dismay, everything I found was negative. I saw things like "terrible" and "fast-forward to the good parts". Now, when it comes to the horror genre reviews like these are to be taken with a grain of salt, and it was at this time I knew that if given the chance I would watch Suicide Girls Must Die!

Just days later Forest and I were paying our local movie rental shop a visit and there it was. From across the room I took notice of the SG logo and made a B-line. Ignoring what I had read, it found it's way home with me.

In an unscripted "reality horror", twelve calendar models [Suicide Girls] find themselves fighting for their lives inside a remote cabin in Maine. Thanks to an array of hidden cameras as well as portable cameras the edgy, sexy, alternative beauties are carrying, viewers get to see their terror firsthand from every angle.

THE VERDICT:
If you are a serious film fan you will not find anything redeemable in the 80+ minutes of bad/no acting, and little or no story that makes up this movie.

"No actors, no script, no escape", well ya got that right. Suicide Girls Must Die is what you get when you throw reality t.v.'s Bad Girl's Club and Scare Tactics together in a toilet. The down side is that you can't flush this movie and walk away form it.

The acting is worthless. From the entire SG roster, Joleigh Suicide is the only one who can act. Why is that? There are a shit-ton of these girls and only one can act? That's not fair, to be honest the girls make an effort to act but after a few minutes they forget there is a camera pointed at them and they start to smile and laugh. It pulls you out of the scene. The movie keeps going from creepy and isolated to party time with sluts.

Every scene that starts to hint at a development in plot gets interrupted with a naked photo shoot [I can't believe I'm bitching about that. What kind of man am I?]. For this same reason the music is an epic failure. Films can't go from one emotion to the other so quickly, it ruins everything.

In a nutshell NOTHING HAPPENS. The few creepy characters who are introduced are soon dismissed. There is no evil spirit, no enraged ex-lover, no demon from hell, no uptight townsfolk, nothing. Just a whole lotta hard drinking chicks making out, and as entertaining as that is, IT'S NOT A FUCKING MOVIE!

After creeping along at a brain numbing pace, finally girls start to wander off and disappear. I began to think, "Joy, the movie is going to start now". Nope, it just goes back to party time with sluts. A few more girls disappear and a few more take off their tops. I can't help but feel that this entire movie is just one big commercial.

By the time the SG are all done with their photo shoot, a few of them start to do what any half alive person would do in this situation, wonder where the missing girls are. "There missing, why are we still shooting photos?", "Why aren't we looking for them?". These are questions that I found myself asking 20MIN. before any of the characters in the movie did.

The worst part is the ending. Yep you guessed it, the few remaining models have had enough and try to escape through the woods. It is at this point that the film becomes totally unoriginal. The "missing" girls meet up with the "escapees" in the woods for a "Ha ha, we're really alive. Jokes on you" moment. Yes, it has an April Fool's Day ending. The whole thing was a prank played by Missy Suicide [the SG boss]. Like I said, nothing happens.

With a plot like; 12 girls go to an isolated setting for a nude photo shoot, soon they begin to turn up missing. How can you fuck that up? It's standard slasher movie stuff, and it even gives the girls a reason to be naked!!!

Whatever you do, DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE! Well at least don't pay to see it, borrow, or download it. Maybe, and I mean MAYBE, rent it but be prepared from a SG advertisement that will leave you longing for Texas Chainsaw Massacre murder.

SUICIDE GIRLS MUST DIE

★ ½

READ OUR OTHER WRITTEN REVIEWS

Share:

1 comments:

Kaijinu said...

sorry dude, BUT I WATCHED IT! OH GOD I HATE MYSELF! WHY?!!!

(thankfully, I hated it too...>8| hate it soooo much.)