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4.11.10

80's GOO MOVIES: Celebrating the Terror that is "The McRib"

By CORY CARR
Holy Shit! The fuckin' McRib is BACK! Quick, hide your kids, hide your wife, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Today I stopped by one of the many McDonalds restaurants that litter my town. Hungry for lunch I started to undress the menu with my eyes, and there it was. High above me hung a man sized tasty treat that glowed like the heavens. My mouth began to water as I stared deep into it's jaw dropping BBQ-ness which was portrayed so seductively upon the fluorescent lit sign. Memories began to flood back to me from my childhood but I couldn't remember the last time I tasted a McRib. I knew at that moment, I would NEVER forget again!


While eating my scrumptious meal, I started to wonder...

"Why is it that McDonalds sells the McRib only once every few years? Does it take that long to make the McRib? If that's the case, what the hell are they made of? I know the commercial says that it's "pork" but it was discovered a few decades back that the "hamburgers" were actually ground up worms... So what the FUCK is a McRib?".

The conclusion that I came to left me stunned, and that conclusion is that THEY sell the McRib every so many years because it takes years to GROW enough of whatever the McRib is made of! I can see it now, within some secret underground McDonalds bunker, in giant chemical holding tanks the McRib has been forming and growing for years, from ectoplasm or the stuff that scientists use to grow human ears on the backs of mice.

Sure enough, I soon began to feel the effects of what I had eaten. But this feeling was not new. I remember this feeling from when I was a young boy... while watching... Street Trash, or was it... The Stuff, or even Slime City? Come to think of it, there were a lot of movies in the 80's dealing with colorful "goo" that, when eaten, turns it's host into goo itself, followed by death! What a strange trend.

Now, as I write this from upon my toilet, shitting my brains out from the poor choice I made during lunch, I kinda wanna watch some 80's goo movies.

So with that said, keep your eyes open for me to review these 80's goo movies and uhh, stay away from the McRib.







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3 comments:

Cinema Du Meep said...

I love this. And I'm happy to hear of the McRib's return! It's been 20 years plus since I've had one. And now it's time to visit McDonald's and return to it!

Enough is never enough of The Stuff!

BORK said...

All I can say is, "Why the Hell do people still go to Ass Donald's?"

Slaughter Film said...

People still go there for "the good time and great taste", didn't you watch the commercial? - Cory