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14.7.11

STEVEN OF THE 400,000 1/2 CENTRORY

By FOREST TAYLOR
I’ve always been fascinated by an artist’s first work. I love watching the student films of famous movie directors or reading the early writings of famous authors or poets because it gives us a glimpse into what got them interested in their chosen art form in the first place. With that in mind, I’d like to mention that I’ve always been obsessed with writing. I’ve been writing stories, comic books and screenplays for as long as I can remember. It makes me wonder: if I ever do “make it big” someday (hey, a man can dream can’t he?) would anyone be interested in my first works to see what originally got me into writing in the first place? Well, look no further! Because I am an eternal masochist, I’ve decided to post my very first stories on this website. These stories were inspired from a childhood spent watching Star Wars and Indiana Jones movies so, so much for creative inspiration (I was really just ripping everything off). As an added bonus, I will be writing a page by page critique of these works through the eyes of adult Forest because it’s wrong to make fun of little kids, but making fun of yourself as a little kid is perfectly acceptable. Anyway, this first story is the earliest book that I can remember writing. It was written around February/March of 1992 when I was just nine years old and is an epic sci-fi tale called “Steven of the 400,000 ½ Century” (“inspired” by the Loony Tunes sketch “Duck Dodgers of the 24 ½ Century”). Because my handwriting is completely illegible I’ll provide a link to a printed version on each page. The printed versions contain all the horrible spelling and grammatical errors of the original version. So, without further delay, I give you… STEVEN OF THE 400,000 1/2 CENTRORY!



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PAGE 01
Steven of the 400,000 ½ Centrory

Today in 1992 the earth is safe. But 500,000,000 years from now the earth is being eaten by slime things. And sodgors are helping things and distroing the earth.


Every great sci-fi tale needs a prologue to let the reader know what world they are about to experience and this story is no exception. I like how I went completely outrageous with how far in the future this is set. Not hundreds or even thousands of years ahead. No, this story goes five hundred million years into the future, motherfucker! Jesus, even H. G. Wells stopped at eight hundred thousand years. By the way, if you’re interested in that whole plot about the world being eaten by slime things, get ready to be disappointed because it is never mentioned again. For the rest of the story the bad guys are these mysterious soldiers who are helping the slime things for some reason. By the way, the whole concept of soldiers helping slime creatures eat the earth to destruction is completely baffling. Why would the soldiers (who presumably live on earth) want to help these monsters destroy their own planet? Did the slime things offer them some sort of prize for helping them? What the hell could any military hope to gain from slime creatures that would warrant allowing them to eat their home, and even helping them achieve that goal? These questions are all rhetorical by the way because we never find out what brought about the mysterious alliance between soldiers and slime things. All we know is that the slime things are “bad” and the soldiers are “bad” too. Therefore, they must be helping each other.


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PAGE 02
Chapter 1

The gurds gurded the army base. Kenny could not get in. So he took out his swrord and cut the one gurd’s head off. And killed the other gurd whith his swrord and tryed to kill this other guy.

I love how the random horrible violence of this first page makes it so obvious that this story was written by a nine year old boy. Only a little kid could begin a story with a decapitation. However, my biggest question with this page is who the hell is that “other guy” that Kenny tried to kill? It didn’t say that he was another guard or even one of the bad guys. It just said that he was “this other guy”. That’s a pretty cryptic description. So was he working for the bad guys or did Kenny just become mad with bloodlust and start killing random people? Don’t worry my friends; this won’t be the last time you’ll hear from the other guy.


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PAGE 03

Genaral Timring was mad. He didn’t want to be beaten by a kid. So he got all the soldors he could and his spare genaral J.P. And they would kill the kid and win.

So now we finally meet these mysterious evil soldiers. The only thing I really have to say about this page concerns the “spare” general (why is he a spare general? In case the original general gets flat?) J.P. I know it is never mentioned in the book, but I am 100% certain that his original name was J.P. Monster. He never goes by his full name in the book because I think I realized that a name as ridiculous as J.P. Monster was too over-the-top even for a dim-witted nine year old. J.P. Monster? Are you kidding me? I guess General Timring wasn’t stupid enough so I had to name the second in command J.P. fucking Monster. The guy’s last name is Monster! MONSTER!! The really funny thing is that name doesn’t even sound remotely scary. It sounds like the name of a lawyer who works for Universal horror films. “Hi. Have you or someone you know been recently injured in a Wolf Man accident? Then call me, J.P. Monster, attorney at law. We’ll get your unholy abominations the money they deserve”. Suffice to say, J.P. is supposed to be the Boba Fett-esque “badass” villain. And like Boba Fett, he’s a “badass” who doesn’t really do anything.


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PAGE 04
Chapter 2

Kenny was caught. He killed most of the soldors. But he was out numbered by 101 soldors. And sent to the army jail.


Well, after a gripping first chapter (I’d like to take this moment to point out that every chapter is only two pages long) we now find that Kenny has been thrown in jail. Well, at least he killed most of the soldiers. Wait a minute, he was out-numbered by one hundred and one soldiers and he killed most of them? Is that number how many attacked him initially or is that who was left after he killed most of them? Either way, God damn! Kenny is a fucking maniac! First he comes into the base lobbing off heads and trying to kill other guys, and then he single-handedly takes on groups of henchmen so large they would make Beatrix Kiddo nervous. I’m surprised the surviving soldiers didn’t just kill him as a service to humanity. Maybe Kenny is too powerful to be completely destroyed so they just threw him in jail and hoped that he would be too bored to escape even though the bars are like six feet apart. By the way, I love the ‘50s style robots they have guarding the jail cells. It’s pretty funny when the most intimidating things the bad guys could come up with look like the bastard offspring of Rosie the Robot after her drunken one-night stand with ED-209.


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PAGE 05

Steven would have to replace Kenny. The techer said he could have some help. But just to the age 20 + 30. Steven will go and find Kenny. And save the world from slime.

This page had so much plot development there wasn’t enough room for illustrations. Also, why is there an age limit for the help that Steven can hire? What if Steven finds someone who wants to help but doesn’t meet the strict age requirements?
“I want to help you defeat these evil soldiers!”
“Great! Wait a minute, how old are you?”
“Thirty-two.”
“Thirty-two? Get out of here, Grampa!”
Speaking of which, why do Steven’s superiors suddenly become concerned about age restrictions when their whole army seems to consist entirely of little kids? Seriously, Steven and Kenny are both supposed to be like ten years old. Are we really rooting for the good guys here? It’s hard to support the resistance when their whole strategy seems to be arming small children and then sending them out one by one to infiltrate some armored military fortress.
Finally, I love the final line about Steven saving the world from slime just to remind you that yes, there are slime monsters somewhere in this story. I think a more appropriate line would be: “Steven will go out and save the world from some unspecified “evil” military that wants to blow up their own planet for some reason.”


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PAGE 06
Chapter 3

Steven got in the army base. He killed the guy Kenny tryed to kill. Get Him.


Oh no! After surviving two whole chapters, it seems that the other guy’s luck has finally run out. However, this just raises more questions. Why was the other guy still hanging around the base after being attacked by a sword-wielding child? He was one of the few people lucky enough to survive Kenny’s murder rampage and he chooses to stay at the base? He must have been working for the bad guys but if so, what was he doing? Why would the evil soldiers need an other guy to help them? And if he was working for the bad guys, why was he hanging around outside the base and not in it? Who was the other guy? What was his purpose? How did he contribute to the plot in anyway? I need to know! What the hell is going on here?!?


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PAGE 07

Steven got out. He climbed the tower but there were 1000 night thops there. And the 4 headed girler was ready to eat him. What should Steven do? Get That Kid!

Well I see the soldiers aren’t fucking around anymore. They just have a thousand troops waiting inside the base in case any more psycho kids decide to show up. Also, I still remember the origin of the four-headed girler. At recess there were four girls in my class who would link arms and run around together. To me it looked like they had four heads so I incorporated that into my story. The only other thing I have to say about this page is look at the guy with the big gun on the upper right side of the drawing. Just look at him! Paging Dr. Freud! I don’t want to make too much of a big deal about this because I was only nine and didn’t even know what “phallic imagery” meant, but I just find it interesting that the page where one of the characters has a long, pointy laser cannon is the same page where the only female character in this story is depicted as a giant four-headed monstrosity.


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PAGE 08
Chapter 4

Steven was caught. But he was happy. he was in the same jail has Kenny was. Now he knows were Kenny is!

I just have to point out that the resistance really is failing here. Both attempts to infiltrate the enemy base have ended the exact same way. What exactly was their plan anyway? Just send enough kids into the base that their jails would be too crowded for them to continue fighting?


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PAGE 09


Steven got out of jail. But a rubbot gurd went after him. Steven threw his jail food at him and kicked him off the roof.

Oh, every story needs a good pie-in-the-face gag. But this just raises more questions. First of all, why did Steven bring his jail food with him while escaping from jail? Did he expect to be on the run for days or did he know that throwing food was the most effective weapon against robot guards? But this just leads to the most important question: how the hell did Steven get out of jail in the first place? His escape is never mentioned in the story. He’s just in jail on one page and then out of jail in the next. I don’t know who these kids are but they are fucking hardcore! Where did the resistance find all these ten year old mass-murdering escape artists?


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PAGE 10
Chapter 5


Steven met Forest Gas, Jeff Life, And Juan Gun. They are old enuf for it. Sure we can help

Well, this is where the whole 20-30 year old thing comes into play. Steven has found some help in his cause to do … whatever the hell the resistance is doing. These characters were based on myself and my two friends (Juan and Jeff) who were helping me with the story. Their last names are indicative of the type of job they have. Forest is a gas station attendant, Juan works at a gun store and Jeff is some sort of doctor who can bring people back to life. The funny thing is these jobs were all supposed to be relevant to the story in some way. They were all going to use their individual talents to help the cause but due to the impatience of an idiot 9 year old, I never got that far. So now they all just have ridiculous names that mean nothing. Plus, Forest’s last name now makes it seem like he took one too many trips to the Ol’ Space Bean Burrito Joint.


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PAGE 11

They get out. But there are soldors there.
Juan: I got an tdea.
Jeff: What are you doing?
Bleep bleep bleep.
Soldors: ohh ooh ahh oguu.
Jeff: good work. Ohno more night troops.
Forest: Lets go! They don’t make it threw.
Wow, this whole page is a clusterfuck. I love how I switch to script format whenever the characters start talking to each other. The other thing I suppose I should mention is why some of the soldiers appear to be in blackface. The reason is because those soldiers are night troops. Let me explain: you see, since most of this story was “inspired” by Star Wars, I decided to make my own version of a storm trooper, but I gave them black armor instead of white armor. Therefore, they’re not “storm troopers” they’re “night troops”. Oh yeah, I’m so clever! The only other thing I want to mention on this page is the “bleep bleep bleep” right in the middle. That is supposed to be onomatopoetic. A lot of people think that I’m censoring profanity, but I’m really not. I just figured that since a regular gun goes “bang bang bang”, a laser gun would go “bleep bleep bleep”. So I managed to put traditional narrative, script format and onomatopoea all on one page. Now that’s what I call talent. Oh, wait … what’s the opposite of “talent”?


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PAGE 12
Chapter 6


Steven, Forest, Jeff, and Juan were caught.
J.P.: To bad. Just to bad.
Jeff: Will you please shut up
Forest: I know. If my hands weren’t tied I’d bop you right now.
J.P.: I wouldn’t
Wait a minute, they got captured again!? Alright, I just need to come out and say it; the resistance really is failing here. They got captured three times in the span of eight pages. Maybe the resistance would do a better job saving the earth if they actually sent in … um, what’s that thing you send in when you want to stop enemy soldiers … oh, that’s right AN ARMY! Maybe it would be better to send in soldiers of your own rather than arming small children and letting them find any random asshole on the street who wants to help them. By the way, I love that J. P. is gloating at them like he’s King Shit ever though he’s done absolutely nothing this entire time. No seriously, he’s a total badass.


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PAGE 13

Steven, Kenny, Forest, Jeff, and Juan were in jail. Steven: theres a tube. Jeff: Lets go up it.

Okay, why the hell are the bad guys just lining their jails with man-sized tubes that anyone can just climb up and escape? That seems like a pretty basic design flaw to me.
Engineer: Well, we finished our super-awesome, impossible-to-escape prison.
Evil Soldier: Excellent. Wait, what about these six-foot wide tubes jutting out of the jail cells?
Engineer: Oh yeah, those. We were going to get rid of them but ….
Evil Soldier: Yes?
Engineer: Hey you know, all of the sudden I’m having a Big Mac attack. You want to grab some burgers?
Evil Soldier: I thought you’d never ask!
(They go to out to lunch and the tubes are never mentioned again)
Also, I love the balls on these guys; escaping while J. P. is staring right at them. Seriously though, that guy is a complete badass.


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PAGE 14
Chapter 7


They get out of jail. But there were 1,000,000 soldiers and night troops there.
Juan: Lets get out of here!!
Steven and Kenny: Lets get out that tube.
I love how the number of soldiers they’re fighting keeps rising exponentially. First it was a hundred and one, then a thousand and now a fucking million! Also, why did all these soldiers feel the need to shoot they’re guns straight up ever though the good guys can’t be more than three feet away from them. If you have an army of over a million troops and they can’t take care of five people (two of which are children) then you have some serious problems. I mean that’s just ridiculous! It’s like some re-imagining of 300 only if you replace all the actors with hotdogs on toothpicks.


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PAGE 15

They finally get outside. But the ship gos after them.
Forest: They got biger guns than we do.
Juan: I’ll find biger guns.
The hole ship blows apart but noone dies.

Wait a minute! They were in a spaceship the whole time? No! That doesn’t make any sense! I specifically shown several times that they were in an army base. When did this move to outer space? There was no mention of them being taken to an enemy spaceship. The last time we saw them, they were in the base crawling through tubes and now they’re suddenly on a fucking spaceship?! No! NO! That’s not how it works! You can’t just suddenly have them on a spaceship and then act like that was always the case.

Alright, I’m calming down. Anyway, that was the one instance where Juan comes in handy. He finds guns big enough to blow up the spaceship and they … no, I’m sorry. I just can’t do this. It was never established that they were ever on a spaceship until the ship is being blown up. Where did this spaceship come from? When did they get onboard?! WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?!?!?!


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PAGE 16
Chapter 8

They get back to the city but the earth is abuot to blow up.
Jeff: Kenny go get the potion now Steven.
Steven: There’s the man now.
Okay, I’m all better now. So, after escaping from the spaceship … ugh … they return to earth and now they’re looking for a potion? Wait, what? There was never any mention of a potion before, but now it seems like it’s become the focal point of the story. Is this some kind of magical save-the-earth-from-slime-creatures potion? If so, why is there just some random guy walking around carrying it in a see-through bag? If it’s not a potion to help them save the planet, then why are the heroes after it? You have to explain things, child Forest. Please explain! And what the hell was up with that spaceship? I mean, it just came out of nowhere and it was … alright, I’m calming down. Moving on…


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PAGE 17
Kenny: Please give us the potion.
Man: No it’s my potion!
Steven takes out a laser.
Steven: Now give us the potion?
Man: All right.
Special guest writer for this scene: Quentin Tarantino! I love it; this poor guy refuses to just give his hard-earned potion to a bunch of random weirdoes, so their solution is to threaten him with a gun until he gives it up. And remember, these are the good guys! I still don’t see how this potion factors into … well, anything, but I’m sure it’ll lead to a satisfying pay-off I tell you what.


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PAGE 18
Chapter 9


They go back. But J.P. finds them.
J.P.: Ha ha ha you wouldn’t think we’d give up a space station.
Jeff: Nope.
Yep, that space station wasn’t inspired by anything! This is a totally original idea and I’m not just ripping off Star Wars at all! By the way, the space station is called the Turtle’s Eye. Not a very threatening name for a giant battle station, but I guess something like the “Kill Star” would’ve been too obvious. Oh, and I guess in the future people can breathe in space. It can happen because … um … THE FUTURE!!!


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PAGE 19
Jeff: Ok JJ Joe I’ve got a potion hear and heven know whats in it! So take one step and I might just drop it!
J.P.: Ok what do I have to do
Jeff: You have hm.
Okay, what is in this potion? It was inconsequential until now and suddenly, everyone’s after it. That’s not how storytelling works. You can’t just introduce a MacGuffin in the third act and then make it the center of the plot for the rest of the story. MacGuffins have to be introduced at the beginning of the story and then become the focus throughout; like the Ark from Raiders of the Lost Ark, the briefcase in Pulp Fiction or the Unobtainium from Avatar … oh wait. Scratch that last one from the record.


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PAGE 20
Chapter 10
The last chapter
Jeff: To come with us you to be quit and donn’t cause any touble!
J.P.: Ok. Were should I go?
Jeff: The mall on earth. Go on their spaceship.
So J. P. Monster, the universe’s ultimate badass instantly drops his gun and surrenders the second Jeff threatens him with a bottle of perfume. Weak! That’s more embarrassing than when Boba Fett accidentally got killed by a blind guy. Oh, and as for the whole “mall on earth” thing, allow me to explain: The mall closest to where I live is the Millcreek Mall and it has a big water tower right by it. When I was a kid I always thought that water tower was a spaceship and so I incorporated that into my story. So yes, the final ship that will ferry all of humanity off their doomed planet is being built at the Millcreek Mall.


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PAGE 21

They get in. But they run into Timring.
Timring: Give me the potion.
Jeff: Ok.
Crack crack crack
Forest: What do you know firework potion.
Juan: Lets go now.
Timring pressed the butin.

Oh, sweet irony! The potion everyone was after turned out to be a simple firework potion! Har har har! That would’ve been funnier if we knew why the hell everyone was after the potion in the first place! Also, I love how Timring dies twice in this story. See that little snake pit at the bottom of the page? I originally put that in just as set decoration (it was just there for Timring to punish his subordinates by dropping them in the pit). My friends wanted to see someone get killed by the snakes, but I wanted Timring to die from the firework potion. Eventually I conceded so now we have Timring, apparently in the process of being incinerated, pressing the button and falling into his own pit. Now that’s what I call a novelty death: burned to death by fireworks and eating by snakes at the same time.


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PAGE 22

And he fell in. They got back to earth and get in the big spaceship. And has is gose away the earth blows up in a huge ball of flame.

The End

Wait a second; the earth blows up in the end? So, what the hell was accomplished? Let’s recap the story: the heroes wanted to save the earth from slime things and some evil military. In the end, the earth explodes and the evil military still has a giant battle station floating around. I think its pretty safe to say the bad guys won in this tale. All the heroes really did was kill Timring. Further more, not only did they allow the bad guy’s second-in-command to survive, they let him stay on the last spaceship that the humans have! I mean that’s the final hope for the future. It’s the earth’s last ship (it says so, poorly written on the side) and they’re just letting some evil dude kick around inside it? How long will it be before he starts creating havoc and inciting mutiny? Wait a minute, I just figured it out: this whole story is a prequel to MST3K classic “Space Mutiny”! It all makes perfect sense now! I mean, the plot inconsistencies and terrible dialogue are dead giveaways.

So, that’s the thrilling conclusion to “Steven of the 400,000 ½ Century”. My only real comment is this: why in the hell is it named after Steven? How is he the hero of the story when he’s barely even in it? I mean, he’s not even a factor in the climactic final battle. If anything, the hero of the story is Jeff because he killed Timring and threatened J. P. with the potion. All Steven did was throw food at a robot and steal some poor guy’s potion. Truly he is a hero of the ages!

This concludes my first story. I’d like to do more of these some time in the future. Just know that my later stories have all the ridiculous storylines and weird hotdog-shaped bodies that you’d expect.

Goodnight everybody!

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1 comments:

Em Miller said...

This is way better than any of the stories I wrote when I was nine. At least you ripped off the plot of several high budget films and the illustrations went with the text instead of being random outbursts. For a kid, that's some Steven Spielberg shit! I too had some trouble adjusting to the sudden intro of the space ship. Damn kids and their lack of segues. Anyway, hilarious commentary.