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12.9.14

WRITTEN REVIEW: The Greenskeeper

By MATTHEW STEWART
After an arduous initial descent in the hellish confines of Netflix horror, we have reached a place to finally catch our breath. By no means, however, are we near the end of this journey or even close to anything that could be considered safe passage, but at least we can take a breather, ie, me not completely bashing a film for everything that is wrong with it. This brings me to The Greenskeeper, a 2002 horror-slasher-comedy co-starring ex-Atlanta Braves pitcher, and now professional “actor” John Rocker.

“But the stars that marked our starting fall away.
We must go deeper into greater pain, for it is not permitted that we stay.”

–Dante Alighieri, Inferno

The Greenskeeper is the tale of Allen, a down-on-his-luck assistant greenskeeper at Summer Isle Country Club. Spending most of his days smoking weed with head greenskeeper Otis and trying to please his needy/bitchy girlfriend Mary Katherine, Allen is looking for his way out of the Summer Isle. In classic slasher movie fashion several of the country club’s more prominent members start dying in several golf course-related ways while there are chases through the woods, boobies, the classic dead body reveals and of course…the twist.


Missed opportunity for a murder weapon in the opening scene.

At its core, The Greenskeeper is not very good. It’s typical slasher movie fare, but what sets it apart from other low-grade horror that looks like it's shot by a bunch of community college film school kids, is the humor and the above average gore effects…plus...boobs. I think there is a clear Troma influence throughout the film with the wacky dialogue, absurd plot, and intricate deaths. Essentially, if you were to take Caddyshack add a slice of Friday the 13th and take the insanity of Troma, you have The Greenskeeper.


You just know this yuppy scum are going to die

Going back now, being this is a film directed and produced in the greater-Atlanta area, it makes complete sense that John Rocker co-stars in this film. The former Atlanta Braves closer, who was caught up back in 1999 as the target of everyone in the U.S. for his racist, homophobic, and all around idiotic comments. The ball player, who is the basis of Kenny Powers from HBO’s Eastbound and Down, essentially plays the film’s “unstoppable force” but of course, there is a twist that I won’t give away just in case you want to take a chance on this film, but its, to say the least, weird, at best.


Times were tough after baseball.

Normally, as I should do with most of these films, I would tell you to stay far, far away, and save yourself the time and effort you’re about to waste. But for some reason I’m going to do the exact opposite and recommend The Greenskeeper. There is just enough comedy, gore, and overall insanity to keep your attention for the film’s duration. I’m not sure why I’m compelled to offer my stamp of approval, but I am, and maybe this is the first step in how bad these movies are that I am slowly going insane. Either way, check out The Greenskeeper, if you dare.

“The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.” –Dante Alighieri, Inferno


They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But sometimes a motion picture is only worth one. Simplistic Reviews gives you a minimum one word review from avid film buffs Justin Polizzi, Matthew Stewart and DJ Valentine. If one isn't enough, you can read on and enjoy their further analysis of the film or television show. Simplistic Reviews is, for lack of a better word, GOOD.

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